Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.