my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
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I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums