my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
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When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.