my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
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If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
tfw you realize …
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!