my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
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Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Camel dough