My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
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😭😭
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
lol
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.