Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*