My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
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[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me