My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
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Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?