My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
You Might Also Like
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.