Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve already accomplished* so much today

*been afraid of a goose

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

this is the most humiliating day of my life

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

I saw this ending much differently.

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.