My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
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My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate