Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

*world is ending*

Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.