My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
You Might Also Like
🚲+physics = winner
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
could’ve been anyone
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
#gardening
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.