My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
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TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*