My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
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You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Story of my life…..
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Saturday
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”