Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

This January has 47 Mondays

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

it was love at first sight

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly