My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
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dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Put a ring on it
I’m just playing devils avocado here
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
you’re damn right i have
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST