Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

kevin is now a local weatherman

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down