My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
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Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
😅🤣😂
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.