My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
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[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
asking santa clause for nudes
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Poetry is my passion
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Death certificates are our last participation award.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”