Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Love this guy

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.