Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

me irl

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”