Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”