Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

*names my little horse OneTrick*

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.