My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
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Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.