Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)