Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.

HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?

ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*

me: it’s bedtime.

my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

#growingpains

Well, that didn’t work.

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass