Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

“Sure, I get it!”

– Me, not getting it

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”