Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses