Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

Hike in groups. Bears like to have options

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.