My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
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Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
welcome back
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Yeah. This was me today.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal