Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.