Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄

The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

do horses think humans are hats

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.