My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
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Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
my dad has had enough
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Awesome parenting 😂
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.