*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
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10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
*pronounces patio like ratio
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”