Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*

HOT POCKET

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.