My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
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My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.