My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
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Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Did I do this right
