My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
When the stylist spins you back around
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.