My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
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[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
When your diet is finally over.
My funeral
My Boss (sobbing)….. How could you do this today??
We’re so understaffed
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
As the Lord intended
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!