Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

you know what ruined my childhood? children

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other