Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop