Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?

Her: Sure, I’d love to

Me: Wtf is wrong with you

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

“What?”
– Jude

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*