Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
You Might Also Like
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names