Sometimes I think we’re all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.
My wife tells me she wants me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.
I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
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Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
“I know what you look like naked” – me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I feel bad for airport security workers. I’m going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear.
I’m not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.