My wife tells me she wants me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.

I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.

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Sometimes I think we’re all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.


[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?


“I know what you look like naked” – me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.


DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*


i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do


I feel bad for airport security workers. I’m going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear.


I’m not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.


4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.