@Xoolun

My wife tells me she wants me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.

I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.

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@9to5Life

Sometimes I think we’re all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.

@AlexRogaski

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

@KKBowls

“I know what you look like naked” – me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.

@dave_cactus

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

@gabbazaba

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

@salamingia

I feel bad for airport security workers. I’m going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear.

@Tuna_Lover

I’m not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.