My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
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Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.