Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh