Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

This is my brand.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no