My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
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Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
tis the season
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And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
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I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
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dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Don’t frighten the programmers!
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It’s been a terrible year for burglars
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.