My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
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I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
good work, detective
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
