My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
