My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
