My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
smh
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
