Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*

Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.