Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

Me trying to walk in a dream

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.