Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”