@geowizzacist
@writeden
Accidentally called them endolphins instead of endorphins and I just. Can’t help but picture tiny little dolphins jumping and doing tricks in our brains to make us happy
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@writeden
@Hormonella
Broke a light bulb today.
Seven years of bad ideas?
@RetweetJoel
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
@Fickle_Filly
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
@mommajessiec
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
@Sickayduh
ME: Why are you leaving?
WIFE: I have hated every stupid pun of yours since we left Manhasset 20 years ago
ME: Manhasset been that long?
@FrauFickenDammt
A white man beaten with a wheel of Parmesan claims it was a hate crime. Cheese on cracker investigation begins.
@LADaddy
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
@Cain_Unable
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
@SaintRPh
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
