@geowizzacist

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

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@writeden

Accidentally called them endolphins instead of endorphins and I just. Can’t help but picture tiny little dolphins jumping and doing tricks in our brains to make us happy

@mommajessiec

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

@Sickayduh

ME: Why are you leaving?

WIFE: I have hated every stupid pun of yours since we left Manhasset 20 years ago

ME: Manhasset been that long?

@FrauFickenDammt

A white man beaten with a wheel of Parmesan claims it was a hate crime. Cheese on cracker investigation begins.

@LADaddy

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

@Cain_Unable

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.