@geowizzacist
@Kids_kubed
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
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@Kids_kubed
@delusions_of
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
@AVenezuelan19
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
@moose_chocolate
“7 minutes in heaven” but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.
@internetluke
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
@Book_Krazy
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
@ericsshadow
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
@Jazzzzzmina
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
@Phook75
The best time to leave the country is when a demonic voice screams your name from inside a locked basement
@WheelTod
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground