@geowizzacist

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

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@Kids_kubed

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

@delusions_of

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

@AVenezuelan19

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

@moose_chocolate

“7 minutes in heaven” but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.

@internetluke

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

@Book_Krazy

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

@ericsshadow

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

@Jazzzzzmina

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

@Phook75

The best time to leave the country is when a demonic voice screams your name from inside a locked basement

@WheelTod

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground