My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

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Accidentally called them endolphins instead of endorphins and I just. Can’t help but picture tiny little dolphins jumping and doing tricks in our brains to make us happy


My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.


ME: Why are you leaving?

WIFE: I have hated every stupid pun of yours since we left Manhasset 20 years ago

ME: Manhasset been that long?


A white man beaten with a wheel of Parmesan claims it was a hate crime. Cheese on cracker investigation begins.


The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.


Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.