My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

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13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days


Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.


Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.


“7 minutes in heaven” but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.


[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell


9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?


My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.


Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times


The best time to leave the country is when a demonic voice screams your name from inside a locked basement


At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground