My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
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Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Bike is short for Bichael.