Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

consequences, the bane of my existence

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%