My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
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Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”