My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
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boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?
The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.