My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
You Might Also Like
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I have questions??
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.