My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
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My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.