Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

Imma just leave this here…………

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.