My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
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OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
