My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
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Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
How dude HOW?!
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I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
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Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes