My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
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A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
