Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

It do be feeling this way.

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.

WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

ㅤ

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale