Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.