My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
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ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠