Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

canadian assassins are called killergrams

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised