My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
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Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
