Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected

ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car

Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car

Cops: oh well that’s different

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

8, peering closely at me: what’s that?

Me: my necklace

8: How do you know?

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH