My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
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One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell