My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

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If a woman is bad at parking it’s because she is constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.


Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.


I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.


In the past hour I’ve dropped my phone and my computer. Let me hold your crying baby.


INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*


Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.


If by drinking responsibly you mean drinking out of a plastic cup rather than a glass one then you’re damn right I am.


KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer


A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”


“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad