My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
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[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
This checks out
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
umm…
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations