@XplodingUnicorn

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

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@myvisable

If a woman is bad at parking it’s because she is constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.

@DurtMcHurtt

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

@weinerdog4life

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

@laffytakky

In the past hour I’ve dropped my phone and my computer. Let me hold your crying baby.

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

@Havish_AF

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

@JesssieAshley

If by drinking responsibly you mean drinking out of a plastic cup rather than a glass one then you’re damn right I am.

@BuckyIsotope

KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer

@LizHackett

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

@frankzulla

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad