Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵

Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?

Because I didn’t.

I’d … I’d rather not.

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.