Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job

Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

Been trying to expand my vocabulary so I got an app that sends you a word each morning to try and use in conversation that day but I work from home so now I’m just dropping texts in the group chat like, so the ending of Nosferatu was pretty lachrymose wouldn’t you say?

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.