Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.