Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

[invention of fish net stockings]

fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!

fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?

fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Lucky old June.

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”