Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3