Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
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OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
just witnessed a drug deal
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
🍛
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.