@Ygrene

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

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@ShutUpThatsWho

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

@clindsaysway

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

@

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like–it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

@kelkulus

My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.

@Rollinintheseat

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

@laurajennyjo

“I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”

*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”

“I like your shoes…Hello?”
..

@torrami

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

@Tuna_Lover

I’ve gotta go. This bottle of vodka isn’t gonna get arrested all by itself.

@ashleyaustrew

“I don’t know the government, and I’m not giving them any of my coins.” – my 4yo after I explained taxes

@WilliamAder

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.