[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

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[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done


Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.


I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like–it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.


My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.


Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?


“I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”

*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”

“I like your shoes…Hello?”


Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.


I’ve gotta go. This bottle of vodka isn’t gonna get arrested all by itself.


“I don’t know the government, and I’m not giving them any of my coins.” – my 4yo after I explained taxes


Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.