#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
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I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I’m too immature for adultery.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?