Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

Same post same

why would tinder want me to say this

the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts

He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”

She: “Gnocchi dokey.”

#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.